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The Oven Mitt of Death

The most terrifying story of Abiclabicus's angel of Death

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As you all know, every religion/cult has it's own theories about death. The Christians have their heaven and hell, the Buddhists have reincarnation, and Abaclabicusism has..... THE MITT!!!!!!! (insert dramatic music) Yes, that IS what I said. The Mitt. Which Mitt you ask? Well, in this document, I shall tell you. For you see, when one of Abaclabicus' faithfull falls as a result of Karpma, or is tragically fried while torching a ceiling, or accidentally shreds his innards while eating a sword instead of fruit, or from any of the other hazards presented by being an Abaclabicusist, his soul is reaped by Abaclabicus' mighty angel of DEATH!!!! This angel of death is not just some obscure figure known only by high priests of Abaclabicus, it is an icon recognized by nearly anyone who has a television, or has eaten recently at Arby's. That is correct. The Terrible Mitt of Supreme Destruction. Otherwise known as the Arby's Mitt. Oh sure, it may look happy and harmless, but thou dost not know it's TRUE power! When it was created by whatever sick, twisted designer that created it, it was SO disturbed, SO hate filled, SO freakishly angry, it was embodied with all of Abaclabicus' mighty spite. The very same spite which caused him the universe rending sneeze. Bestowed with such abominable power, the evil mitt had but one choice, it gave itself over to the will of mighty Abaclabicus, acting as a vessel of his spite in this world. It now roams the world secretly, worn by it's demented steward, the unfortunate one known as "Dave", searching out those who would speak against the might of Abaclabicus. It also acts as the guide to souls of the followers of Abaclabicus, leading them from their earthly prison and into the holy fields of nostril sludge. For when an Abaclabicus follower dies, his soul must make it's way to the holy fields of nostril sludge, a great plain of existence embodied by what is left of the essence of Abaclabicus, where the soul will frolic in a replica of the great left nostril of Abaclabicus for all eternity. The souls are guided there by the spiritual embodyment of the Mitt. However this is a minor function of this most evil abomination. It's true physical body is used to hunt down and punish in terribly nasty ways those who would insult Abaclabicus. The thing that makes the Mitt so evil is that everyone who isn't a follower of Abaclabicus insults him. Thus the Mitt is a monstrous bloodthirsty creature that tears viciously at the jugular of anyone "Dave" grabs with it, and whines constantly about it's lack of a nose, ears, and having only one thumb. The Mitt is so evil and so mighty that it could easily destroy the world! Why then, does it not, you ask? Well, I shalt relieve thee of thy ignorance. It does not, because "Dave" won't let it. The Mitt's physical body is after all, an oven mitt, and therefore, governed entirely by it's wearer. It's wearer, "Dave", happens to like alot of people that are non-Abaclabicusists, and therefore, doesn't let the oven Mitt release it's spit on anyone. In fact, "Dave" often abuses the Mitt, leaving steaming pans of heavy roast beef on it's face, and forcing it to wrap sandwitches. Why does Abaclabicus not punish "Dave" for his gross hindering of his angel of death? Because Abacalbicus can't. Since ALL of his spite was transferred to the Mitt, Abaclabicus can't smite anyone himself unless they have Karpma. Karpma is the only thing keeping the essence of Abaclabicus in direct manipulation of the physical world. If not for it, he would have to rely entirely on his followers. Since "Dave" regularly monitors his Karpma, and makes sure it's always 0, Abaclabicus can do nothing to him. This leaves "Dave" to do whatever he wants with the Mitt. He usually just uses it for it's intended use, as an oven Mitt. Sometimes to be cruel he uses it as a baseball glove, and sometimes he leaves it in a drawer for months on end. The only time he ever releases it's awesome might is when he wants to dispose of a manager he dislikes, so he has the Mitt eat him, and then the manager is replaced, usually with one "Dave" can handle, and so he is happy. He also uses it to make him lots of money by forcing it into those commercials. These events have only made the oven Mitt MORE evil, as it feels neglected, unloved, and hate filled. So beware, shoudl you ever come across it. For it is the Thrice-Accursed Mitt of Doom. Know this, and Fear. Back to the issue of where it came from in the first place. It is said that the great designer of terrible things of death, a man known only as Mr. Fribbles. It said that the great and evil designer met his limits when he created the Mitt, and was punished by the universe. It is said that he was turned into one of those huge chunks of cheese with big lips that babble about Albanian terrorists. Thus he was ended. That is all that is known about the creation of the Mitt. This concludes the document of the Mitt, take this information to heart, and beware the Mitt.
So-Crates has spoken.
And so it is.     

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