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Random Stories of Little or No Purpose

Here you shall find bizarre, useless, or just plain disturbing stories.  Some of them can be printed out and used as plays.  I warn you... these are poetic scribbles we make when our minds blank of all things with meaning and purpose.  If you're looking for something with substance, check out Novels of Fluff.  Now, let the parade of insanity begin!

Hello, my name is Ewala. I come from the planet Alawe, in the galaxy Ewala, in the universe Alawe.
But the point is I tried. If you think you need to go to the bakery, please do so now, because I do not want to be interrupted while I tell you my story. ...but anyway, I have been thinking about my happiness lately and have come to the conclusion that I am happy. This is annoying. If you saw a chicken as happy as me, I'll replace it, and give you a full refund... no questions asked!
But that's not the point. The point is I am battery operated.
Well, actually I am not.
But that's not the point. What is the point?
"The point is everyone should have my game and timetable! screamed someone who I subsequently smacked across the face and decapitated before sending him home in a cardboard box.
Before I introduce myself, let me share with you a story. A story about me, and how great I am. But first, I think it would be appropriate to introduce myself. I am going to do this soon. So, it all started, in a smelly house, north of Wellington, south of Arizona and east of where you are sitting right now. It was a dark night, with no birds nor chickens, and it was raining a silent rain. There were too many stars to count, and not enough clouds to cover them. I like chickens. But anyway, what was I doing in this smelly house?
"I was laughing at the boxes of dog food with you, remember!?" said Stevens grandma, but she was wrong. What was I doing? That's right, I was writing this story. Now back to the story.
I needed to find something, so looked for it, and the most amazing thing happened!
I FOUND IT!!!
Guess what it was??? it was a piece of crispy bacon, which I dropped last Christmas. I thought the dog ate it, but I guess it didnt. There were many things over there where I always looked for things, but I didn't like them, so I don't know why I was always looking for them. But this thing I did like. And this thing, it liked me right back in the face.
But I don't like things that like me. They smell funny. So I made it friends with it, seduced it, then strangled it in the night and ate it's flesh. The bacon wasn't happy with this, and laughed itself to sleep. But then in the plane, he needed to go pee, so I laughed myself to sleep as he pissed himself to wake. He was definitely awake when the plane started to fall. He was definitely going to fall with the plane, and he was definitely going to get lost again. And lost he did get. Lost in the eternal sea of human sadness, lyrically beautiful without the physical countenance to outweigh it's inherent irony. And that was where he found himself, lost in an abysmal abyss... That was where he found himself.
He was taken to new levels of excitement, when he found himself. Oh what a day.... Oh ...what a day. But this was to be expected, because he was not just random. He was ranDom with a capital D. But anyway, who cares about the bacon, this story is about me.
Me and my eternal instructions of destruction from underneath. Me and my inherent understanding of the ways of the universe.
Me and my happiness.
Me and my sadness.
Me, and my bacon.

THE END
-Whoolia
 
This section of randomness was shoved upon the internet without warning on July 17, 2003

Once upon a time in the land of Fliggimites lived a happy little thing by the name of Joseph.  Joseph once decided to go on an adventure and go atop the great mountain of Floosh to annoy the red dragon.  And so he left, with his pal, Gandaarghlee the wizard, to Mount Floosh.  Along the way he stole the golden toe ring of a guy named Walmart, and met many trolls and elves and dwarves and other odd mutated humanoid creatures, including this one guy made out of bologna that we didn't like very much, so we laughed at him and he was sad.
So we finally reached the mountan of Floosh and hiked up to the top.  Then the red dragon appeared and tossed us in the firy lava pit on the top, which hurt a lot, but by some  chance we won the battle and were very happy, and then we hiked back home, but Walmart trapped us and ate us.
The end.

Laundromat:  Episode II

Guy: Im back

Laundry Lady: You cannot walk into my store wearing sliced turkey over your head.

Guy: Yes I can.

Laundry Lady: No you cant

Guy: Are you shure?

[Guy tries to bribe lady with a coathanger.]

Laundry Lady: Leave the Laundromat!

Guy: After you give me some peanuts!

Laundry Lady: You really want those peanuts, dont you?

Guy: Maybe, Maybe Not

Laundy Lady: Leave!

Guy: You shall not live to be older than two cycles of a halibuts unicycle, for Orville Redenbaucher, the popcorn guy, is coming for you. Hahahahaha! All hail Orville..All Hail Orville..

[lady calls the SWAT Team, and the swat team spray the guy with mace untill his eyes puff up and explode, causing the Advill on the counter to topple]

This section of randomness was shoved upon the internet without warning by DelTaco on June 2, 2003.

Lobsters

Jeddidiah was thinking of ways to wipe out all of penguin kind by using a spoon
and dental floss. Hmmm.... So far he has massacred around uhh...2. He cannot
talk because the lobsters are gnawing at his only kneecap he has left, and that
is the left one. Oh no!!! The've got ahold of his prostetic knee!! What type of
lobsters are they???!!?! He  starts to smell some mashed potatoes, they might
come in handy in the penguin plan.....
--DelTaco

This section of randomness was shoved upon the internet without warning on May 27, 2003.

Turmoil in Lobo's Lense

Joe Lopo was a man of mild temperament, short stature, and had the goal to become the world's fastest telephone eater.  Though Lopo never knew even basic physics, he created a telescope capable of sighting the smallest hair on an alien who lived quite a few lightyears away.  Joe Lopo quickly destroyed a large boulder and used the shattered remains to form eight small statues that strongly resembled tiny creatures being or related to the water flea.  He placed them in a circular pattern to form a sort of shrine and placed the telescope in the middle of it.  He then channeled the power of the stone water fleas into the telescope to view the power of the heavens.  He was in a trance with the beauty of the mysterious dimension and didn't even notice the very large tornado heading toward him.
The shrine was quickly demolished and the immediate withdrawl of power sent Joe Lobo into a lair of pitch blackness found to be a parallel dimension that caused anyone whose first name began with J, along with M,L, and Q, to become rather uncomfortable.  Joe was also suddenly introduced to undroclamaticolomphasisciousy, the eccentric tapeworm with a strong morrocan accent.
"I'm undroclamaticolomphasisciousy, the eccentric tapeworm.  I like pizza so how are ya doin?"
"I have no idea," said Joe.  "I feel very uncomfortable."
A small beep was heard.  "Oh, that's me," said the worm.  He pulled out his cell phone.  "Hey, I like pizza so how are ya' doin?"
"You're too late," said the one on the other side of the line.
"I know I am!" he said, as he quickly hung up.  "Anyway, I've come to meet you," he said to me.
"I suspected that suspicious suspectial suspision," I said.  "Why did you come to meet me?"
"Because," said the tapeworm.  "You are the chosen dude."
A million tiny fabrics twisted in the shape of a microwave opened the space around me and started marching toward me, chanting, "Chosen dude, chosen dude, chosen dude..."
"Why am I the chosen dude?" asked Joe.
"Because," said the worm.  He pointed to the tissue hanging out of my side pocket.  "The sign."
"The sign, the sign, the sign...!" chanted the fabrics.
"I'm afraid there has been a mistake," said Joe.  "Please release me."
"You shall be released," stated the worm.  "On one condition:  you assist this cat in consuming the sacred erasible pen."
The fabrics gasped.  Joe shoved the erasible pen in the cat's mouth.  The cat suddenly morphed into a gargantuan capybara and exploded.
The worm scowled at Joe.  He was not supposed to complete the task.
"You, still shall not be released," said the worm.  "We are dependent upon the powers of the chosen one.  You shall remain with us!"  But just as he said this, Minnie Turner, the girl who lived inside of a shoebox on a desert island for fourteen years in 1672, appeared in the dimension.  She tainted the worm using a glass of grape juice and compressed the subatomic particles in the fabrics until a black hole formed.  Joe and Minnie entered and vanished from the dimension, to enter a new one that resembleed the innards of a cable modem device.
"Why did you save me?" asked Joe?
"Mark the wrong one," said Minnie.
Then everything went "SKWADLIDOO!" and disappeared and Joe found himself alone, at his home on earth.
Joe then ate a telephone.

This section of randomness was shoved upon the internet without warning on Saturday, April 25, 2003 by GiganticPuffyFluffball

HaarpIfoosh the Depressed Sausage

Once in a meat-packing plant far away, there was a sausage. His name was Haarplfoosh. Although since he was simply a mass of pig guts stuck into a small, gristly tube, he did not care. So, thus it was totally pointless. The End
 
Sploookinfhaglish

This bit of randomness was thrust upon the internet without warning on Wednsday, May 7, 2003.

This random, pointless moment by Datsun. 

Books About Lawn Gnomes

Once upon a time, there was this guy.  This guy was very sad.  He was so sad that he decided to go out into his front yard and seize his lawn gnome.  He stared at it for at least 45 minutes.  He then smashed it with an umbrella.  He suddenly felt happy.
The guy went and published his book, "Happiness Through Lawn Gnomes."  Millions of people bought it.  It didn't work.  They then smashed it with an umbrella.  Many people tried to publish, "Happiness Through Books About Happiness Through Lawn Gnomes," but only one four year old girl did.  Millions of people bought that book.
It didn't work.
So everybody stuffed their books in shoeboxes and flooded the guy and the girl's houses with billions of books.  But they had lawn gnomes and books about them, so they lived on in happiness for eternity.

This section of randomness was shoved upon the internet without warning on Saturday, April 25, 2003.

This random moment by GiganticPuffyFluffball

Laundromat Tale with Inexplicably Chosen Ending

This guy walks into a laundry store, and asks for some peanuts.
Guy:  Hey, give me some peanuts.
Laundry Lady:  Um, we don't have peanuts, we're a laundry store.
Guy:  Hey, who are you people?  Do you work for the CIA?
Laundry Lady:  Um, no, who are you?  Whata are you doing here?
Guy:  Stuff.
Laundry Lady:  What's wrong with you?  You people drive me insane!  What are you doing here if you don't have any laundry?
Guy:  Stuff.
Laundry Lady:  Okay that's it.
Lady smashes guy over the head with a cantelope.
Guy:  Hey, you just hit me over the head with a cantelope!
Laundry Lady:  Yeah, and the--
Guy:  Geez, what's wrong with you?
Laundry Lady:  Well you're the--
Guy:  I'm not playing hide and seek with you any more!
Laundry Lady:  What--
Guy leaves, slamming door.  Ants start to eat the cantelope.  Lady cries, and small rat living in a hole in the store implodes, leaving the cat furious.


cantelope.jpg

 

This section of randomness was shoved upon the internet without warning on Saturday, April 19, 2003.

This random moment by GiganticPuffyFluffball.

The Epitome of Randomness

George:  What is that memory card doing there?
Henrietta:  What do you think?
George:  Removing lemonade?
Henrietta:  Tarter sauce, George, Tarter sauce.
Michaelangelo:  Wow, cerebral corn dogs...

This section of randomness was shoved upon the internet without warning on April 21, 2003.
 
Random moment by GiganticPuffyFluffball