This is where you shall find all of our favorite sayings. They can be figures of speeches, moralic puns, or very
small fables. These will help you procede with your small, pitiful life. Also, you may find our favorite words,
some random objects, or twisted things you've hopefully never experienced
Thoughts and Stories of Deep Meaning
Fish; they're stupid; they bite things; they die.
An elderly antelope is one day mutated into a 10% cotton, 85% wool, and 5% other,
sock. The sock is one day walking (or perhaps hopping, whatever socks do) down the street. A squid crawled by and threw hot
coffee at the sock, and then mauled the sock. The sock suffered 3rd degree burns, and the squid said, "Cool."
"I see" said the blind man, to his deaf son and it was totally pointless.
Use your severed leg as a crutch while the nuns beat you with a bat and you start to flail around
untill you are just this big pile of nothing
Why are nuns so quiet? Why are monks so quiet? Is it me, or do all monks and
nuns look the same? is this a conspiricy?
Is it?!?!? if monks can't talk, what
happens if one of them stabbs themself on accident with a sharp pencil and needs
Speaking of sharp pencils, why do pencils get dull? WHY?!?!?!?
PENCILS ARE CHEAP PEACES OF LEAD!!!!!!!
Musings of So-Crates
The Legend of Abiclabicus the Ultimatly Pointless
A long long time ago when the world was young, there lived a frog. A humongous, universe spanning, void-filling frog
by the name of Abiclabicus. Abaclabicus posses a mighty and gargantuan left nostril in which the sludge of life was contained
and thrived, and for eons before existence Abaclabicus nurtured a race of walking KARP in this left nostril. One day, an ambitious
carp-man named Himmy tickled one of Abaclabicus' nostril hairs. Abaclabicus responded to the misguided fish by saying: "THOU
HAST TICKLED MY MOST VULNERABLE OF NOSTRILY BITS. FOR THIS GREAT BLASPHEMY AGAINST THINE OWN LORD, THINE SELF AND THINE RACE
SHALL BE CAST INTO THE VOID!!!!!!" and Abiclabicus gave a mighty sneeze. Unfortunately for mighty Abaclabicus, his mighty
sneeze was too mighty, and exploded him horribly along with the carp people. His chunks were scattered about the void, spreading
colors all about the universe with his multicolored gore-spew. Also, when he exploded, his left nostril fragmented and spread
the life sludge all about the void, giving existence to great masses of living energies which whisped about foolishly, causing
planets to form and life forms to congeal. Thus, the statement, "Dere be Abaclabicus in all of us, Billy." is entirely true.
Along with his bits and sludge, Abaclabicus benevolently vomited forth his brain before exploding so it could be scattered
for some reason. The mighty sneeze tore the brain to shreds and these shreds hardened into parchment-like strips. On
each of these strips is contained a thought or teaching of Abaclabicus to be copied and spread for the greater horribleness.
All of these strips together compose the sacred manual (to Abiclabicus followers it's sacred, to others it just smells
bad, it's made of dried brains you know) by the name of: THE 20 MOST SUPREME THOUGHTS AND TEACHINGS OF THY
LORD ABICLABICUS. You may wonder why there are only twenty strips of Abaclabicus' brain even though it was so large,
that can be answered by two things: #1 Abaclabicus only had 10 thoughts and 10 teachings worth recording #2 They are writtin
in FrampSpeeek (Abaclabicus' language, which only his divine prophets or high priests can read or speak) whose letters are
about the size of a ping-pong table. Now, because I'm completely neurotic and your so wonderfully special to me, I have composed
these thoughts and teachings in modern English just for you! They are as follows: THE 10 MIGHTY TEACHINGS: #1 Thine head is
the most important and wonderous thing in the universe, better than the petty heads of all others, know this, and be annoying!
#2 Nostril sludge is to be revered, preserve all that you spew in a jar and pray to it regularly, for it is the representation
of your Lord Abaclabicus' benevolence. #3 Karp are your supreme enemy, show them no mercy and kill them on sight! #4 Bream
are my incarnations, frog though I may be, love the Bream and revere it, keep several well maintained in a tank and pray
to them. #5 Thou shalt not ask intelligent questions, thal shalt only learn by experience,questions asked should only be inquiries
about things you already know. #6 Fresh fruit will be thine sword, and thine sword shall be thy fruit, eat the sword
and attack with the fruit. #7 Ceilings are terrible monstrosities to be cleansed with fire and fruit, be sure to do this to
your own home as well as others, direct repair bills to major charities, then repeat. #8 Wear only rainbow colored clothing,
and slather thineself with grease, to represent Lord Abaclabicus' exploded corpse. #9 Shun authority, mock policemen, teachers,
and any other commanding figures regularly. #10 It is horrid blasphemy to speak intelligently. THE GREAT AND WISE THOUGHTS
OF MOST RETARDED ABICLABICUS: #1 Gee, aren't morons great? #2 Wiffle balls are wonderful things, let us jam them down
our throuats! #3 Spimmeus is a divine incantation, not nonsense... #4 HELP! I'M STUCK IN A MENTAL TOILET!!! #5 Golfland Sunsplash
is the fortress of my enemy, IT MUST DIE!! #6 Note to self: be nice to tuna, don't eat them. #7 People who suck grapefruit
get luck more often, I think? #8 Is that a cheesecake, wait, EVERY THING IS MADE OF CHEESECAKE!!! #9 Psychology is good for
the soul. #10 Who wants to sing? From these thoughts, we noble scholars and philosophers can gather that Abaclabicus was one
of the most annoying things to happen to the universe short of Pokemon, the obsession of many a small child. However, there
are cults of strange, fat, bald middle aged men having mid-life crises who worship the "mighty" Abaclabicus. These pudgy cultists
are not to be underestimated, as they occupy some of the most necessary servile positions in the United States, or anywhere
for that matter. The cultists of Abaclabicus are led my the high prophet, Billy Bob Wobbles, and the high priet, Beau Willams.
No one knows how these two individuals look, but they are said to be fanatically dedicated to the memory of Abiclabicus, and
among the ranks of their cult are thousands of middle-aged, fat, balding men, and legions of hobos so large, they are uncountable.
The general populous should FEAR the rising power of Abaclabicus, and prepare for the sludgy end of society as we know it,
when Abaclabicusism becomes an official religion. Remember to stay informed, and however frightened you are, you're not frightened
enough. So says the ultimately wise So-Crates, and so it shall be.
This section of randomness was shoved upon the internet without warning on Thursday, May 1, 2003.
The Karpma Theory
Today, you will be taught the wonderous affects of the favor of Most Mightily Stupid Abaclabicus. Though Abaclabicus
may be gone, his essence survives in every atom in the universe, and therefore, he continues to exist in something akin to
an observer-mode. He watches over his followers who coincidentally, are only on Earth, and bestows them with his divine favor,
or wrath. Even non-followers can gain his favor if they perform enough favorable or unfavorable actions. First, it will be
detailed how to detect how much of Abaclabicus' favor someone has. To measure how much favor you have, you must soak yourself
in cod-liver oil and jab yourself in the left nostril with a Lime. You will then turn a different color depending on how much
favor you have, this color change will last five minutes. Here is the list of colors to how much favor they represent:
Rainbow: 90-100 favor
Purple: 80-89 favor
Green: 70-79 favor
Blue-Yellow: 60-69 favor
Blue: 0-59 favor
Yellow: -1-(-59) favor
Orange-Red: -60-(-69) favor
Orange: -70-(-79) favor
Red: -80-(-89) favor
Amber: -90-(-100) favor
You may be wondering how you acumulate Karpma, which is what Abaclabicus' favor is called. Since I like you so much,
I'll tell you. Here comes another list!
Follower of Abaclabicus/Non-Follower
Butering someone with a piece of fresh fruit: 10/5
Burning a ceiling: 5/2.5
10 stupid questions asked: 5/2.5
10 lawn gnomes vaccumed: 5/2.5
Now it will be told what will happens to those with any sort of Karpma at all. Even if you have one point of Karpma,
be sure to finish your will quickly as no matter whether it's positive or negative, it's always fatal for some reason. Say
for instance, your Karpma level is Amber, well, within the hour you're going to be circumvented by those wierd limbless playschool
people. If your Karpma level is Red, your doomed to trip over a squishy pink squid who will eat your brains. If your
Karpma level is Orange, well look out for strange looking workmen with vats of boiling cheese in elevated places. If your
Karpma level is Orange-Red then my advice to you is to look out for rabid lawyers. If your Karpma level is Yellow then you
really should resist the desire to join a cult, particularly one that likes to send its cultist to "become one with helicopter
rotor blades". If your Karpma level is Blue, check any soup you eat, you're at risk of swallowing a $20 bill with razor sharp
edges. If your Karpma level is Blue-Yellow, then you really should stay away from mini-mall construction sites, or at least
wear a cup, a VERY thick cup... If your Karpma level is Green than you really should abstain from meeting women named "Kitty"
and taking them home, you'll find they have an odd craving for raw meat and obsession with sharp objects. If your Karpma level
is Purple, well, just be wary of telletubbies hurling rock-hard wads of cash at you, they might break a few bones. If your
Karpma level is Rainbow, stay agile and be ready to jump aside, cauldrons of gold falling from 3,000 feet in the air REALLY
hurt... and so now you know the horrors of what happen to those who seek the favor or wrath of Abaclabicus. Know this, and
fear. As a last note, you should know how Karpma came to be. It was 943 A.D. when the first cult of Abaclabicus sprung up
when a Saxon man named Hurgen dicovered the dried strips of Abaclabicus' brain in a ditch on the side of a road out of his
village. He gathred his closest friends and for centuries the cult of Abaclabicus endured, unfortunately it all came to a
wet thudding halt on the year busses where invented. The cultists took to preaching at the bus stops where many good folks
gather, but got disgruntled when their audience filed onto the bus, which they couldn't comprehend opening and so jumped out
in front of it when it started moving. All cultists did this so the cult was destroyed. Next year, someone discovered the
lair of the previous Abaclabicus cult and started his own. He did some research and found out how the previous Abaclabicus
cult was destroyed and then educated the new cultists to get on the bus instead of jumping in front of it. He unknowingly
gathered 5 Karpma points in this fashion. He realized something was wrong when he nearly choked on razor sharp $20 bill
in his soup. He did more research, without eating soup, and discovered the ritual to detect Karpma, acumulating 10 more points
of favor. Over a few months he discovered completely what Karpma was and is and named it Karpma, he braved all the effects
of all levels of Karpma, exept Amber, he unfortunately fell victim to the limbless playschool people who circumvented him.
But his sacrifice was invaluable, he had dicovered how to gain and measure the favor of Abaclabicus.
So says the Mighty So-Crates, and so it shall be.
This random pointlessness was shoved upon the internet on Thursday, July 3rd, 2003.