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The Legend of Lord Abiclabicus

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A long long time ago when the world was young, there lived a frog. A humongous, universe spanning, void-filling frog by the name of Abiclabicus. Abaclabicus posses a mighty and gargantuan left nostril in which the sludge of life was contained and thrived, and for eons before existence Abaclabicus nurtured a race of walking KARP in this left nostril. One day, an ambitious carp-man named Himmy tickled one of Abaclabicus' nostril hairs. Abaclabicus responded to the misguided fish by saying: "THOU HAST TICKLED MY MOST VULNERABLE OF NOSTRILY BITS. FOR THIS GREAT BLASPHEMY AGAINST THINE OWN LORD, THINE SELF AND THINE RACE SHALL BE CAST INTO THE VOID!!!!!!" and Abiclabicus gave a mighty sneeze. Unfortunately for mighty Abaclabicus, his mighty sneeze was too mighty, and exploded him horribly along with the carp people. His chunks were scattered about the void, spreading colors all about the universe with his multicolored gore-spew. Also, when he exploded, his left nostril fragmented and spread the life sludge all about the void, giving existence to great masses of living energies which whisped about foolishly, causing planets to form and life forms to congeal. Thus, the statement, "Dere be Abaclabicus in all of us, Billy." is entirely true. Along with his bits and sludge, Abaclabicus benevolently vomited forth his brain before exploding so it could be scattered for some reason. The mighty sneeze tore the brain to shreds and these shreds hardened into parchment-like strips. On each of these strips is contained a thought or teaching of Abaclabicus to be copied and spread for the greater horribleness. All of these strips together compose the sacred manual (to Abiclabicus followers it's sacred, to others it just smells bad, it's made of dried brains you know) by the name of: THE 20 MOST SUPREME THOUGHTS AND TEACHINGS OF THY LORD ABICLABICUS. You may wonder why there are only twenty strips of Abaclabicus' brain even though it was so large, that can be answered by two things: #1 Abaclabicus only had 10 thoughts and 10 teachings worth recording #2 They are writtin in FrampSpeeek (Abaclabicus' language, which only his divine prophets or high priests can read or speak) whose letters are about the size of a ping-pong table. Now, because I'm completely neurotic and your so wonderfully special to me, I have composed these thoughts and teachings in modern English just for you! They are as follows: THE 10 MIGHTY TEACHINGS: #1 Thine head is the most important and wonderous thing in the universe, better than the petty heads of all others, know this, and be annoying! #2 Nostril sludge is to be revered, preserve all that you spew in a jar and pray to it regularly, for it is the representation of your Lord Abaclabicus' benevolence. #3 Karp are your supreme enemy, show them no mercy and kill them on sight! #4 Bream are my incarnations, frog though I may be, love the Bream and revere it, keep several well maintained in a tank and pray to them. #5 Thou shalt not ask intelligent questions, thal shalt only learn by experience,questions asked should only be inquiries about things you already know. #6 Fresh fruit will be thine sword, and thine sword shall be thy fruit, eat the sword and attack with the fruit. #7 Ceilings are terrible monstrosities to be cleansed with fire and fruit, be sure to do this to your own home as well as others, direct repair bills to major charities, then repeat. #8 Wear only rainbow colored clothing, and slather thineself with grease, to represent Lord Abaclabicus' exploded corpse. #9 Shun authority, mock policemen, teachers, and any other commanding figures regularly. #10 It is horrid blasphemy to speak intelligently. THE GREAT AND WISE THOUGHTS OF MOST RETARDED ABICLABICUS: #1 Gee, aren't morons great? #2 Wiffle balls are wonderful things, let us jam them down our throuats! #3 Spimmeus is a divine incantation, not nonsense... #4 HELP! I'M STUCK IN A MENTAL TOILET!!! #5 Golfland Sunsplash is the fortress of my enemy, IT MUST DIE!! #6 Note to self: be nice to tuna, don't eat them. #7 People who suck grapefruit get luck more often, I think? #8 Is that a cheesecake, wait, EVERY THING IS MADE OF CHEESECAKE!!! #9 Psychology is good for the soul. #10 Who wants to sing? From these thoughts, we noble scholars and philosophers can gather that Abaclabicus was one of the most annoying things to happen to the universe short of Pokemon, the obsession of many a small child. However, there are cults of strange, fat, bald middle aged men having mid-life crises who worship the "mighty" Abaclabicus. These pudgy cultists are not to be underestimated, as they occupy some of the most necessary servile positions in the United States, or anywhere for that matter. The cultists of Abaclabicus are led my the high prophet, Billy Bob Wobbles, and the high priet, Beau Willams. No one knows how these two individuals look, but they are said to be fanatically dedicated to the memory of Abiclabicus, and among the ranks of their cult are thousands of middle-aged, fat, balding men, and legions of hobos so large, they are uncountable. The general populous should FEAR the rising power of Abaclabicus, and prepare for the sludgy end of society as we know it, when Abaclabicusism becomes an official religion. Remember to stay informed, and however frightened you are, you're not frightened enough. So says the ultimately wise So-Crates, and so it shall be.

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