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Karmpa Theory

Another Chapter in the Tale of Abiclabicus

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Today, you will be taught the wonderous affects of the favor of Most Mightily Stupid Abaclabicus. Though Abaclabicus may be gone, his essence survives in every atom in the universe, and therefore, he continues to exist in something akin to an observer-mode. He watches over his followers who coincidentally, are only on Earth, and bestows them with his divine favor, or wrath. Even non-followers can gain his favor if they perform enough favorable or unfavorable actions. First, it will be detailed how to detect how much of Abaclabicus' favor someone has. To measure how much favor you have, you must soak yourself in cod-liver oil and jab yourself in the left nostril with a Lime. You will then turn a different color depending on how much favor you have, this color change will last five minutes. Here is the list of colors to how much favor they represent:

Rainbow: 90-100 favor
Purple: 80-89 favor
Green: 70-79 favor
Blue-Yellow: 60-69 favor
Blue: 0-59 favor
Yellow: -1-(-59) favor
Orange-Red: -60-(-69) favor
Orange: -70-(-79) favor
Red: -80-(-89) favor
Amber: -90-(-100) favor
You may be wondering how you acumulate Karpma, which is what Abaclabicus' favor is called. Since I like you so much, I'll tell you. Here comes another list!
Follower of Abaclabicus/Non-Follower
Butering someone with a piece of fresh fruit: 10/5
Burning a ceiling: 5/2.5
10 stupid questions asked: 5/2.5
10 lawn gnomes vaccumed: 5/2.5
Now it will be told what will happens to those with any sort of Karpma at all. Even if you have one point of Karpma, be sure to finish your will quickly as no matter whether it's positive or negative, it's always fatal for some reason. Say for instance, your Karpma level is Amber, well, within the hour you're going to be circumvented by those wierd limbless playschool people. If your Karpma level is Red, your doomed to trip over a squishy pink squid who will eat your brains. If your Karpma level is Orange, well look out for strange looking workmen with vats of boiling cheese in elevated places. If your Karpma level is Orange-Red then my advice to you is to look out for rabid lawyers. If your Karpma level is Yellow then you really should resist the desire to join a cult, particularly one that likes to send its cultist to "become one with spinning helicopter rotor blades". If your Karpma level is Blue, check any soup you eat, you're at risk of swallowing a $20 bill with razor sharp edges. If
your Karpma level is Blue-Yellow, then you really should stay away from mini-mall construction sites, or at least wear a cup, a VERY thick cup... If your Karpma level is Green than you really should abstain from meeting women named "Kitty" and taking them home, you'll find they have an odd craving for raw meat and obsession with sharp objects. If your Karpma level is Purple, well, just be wary of telletubbies hurling rock-hard wads of cash at you, they might break a few bones. If your Karpma level is Rainbow, stay agile and be ready to jump aside, cauldrons of gold falling from 3,000 feet in the air REALLY hurt... and so now you know the horrors of what happen to those who seek the favor or wrath of Abaclabicus. Know this, and fear. As a last note, you should know how Karpma came to be. It was 943 A.D. when the first cult of Abaclabicus sprung up when a Saxon man named Hurgen dicovered the dried strips of Abaclabicus' brain in a ditch on the side of a road out of his village. He
gathred his closest friends and for centuries the cult of Abaclabicus endured, unfortunately it all came to a wet thudding halt on the year busses where invented. The cultists took to preaching at the bus stops where many good folks gather, but got disgruntled when their audience filed onto the bus, which they couldn't comprehend opening and so jumped out in front of it when it started moving. All cultists did this so the cult was destroyed. Next year, someone discovered the lair of the previous Abaclabicus cult and started his own. He did some research and found out how the previous Abaclabicus cult was destroyed and then educated the new cultists to get on the bus instead of jumping in front of it. He unknowingly gathered 5 Karpma points in this fashion. He realized something was wrong when he nearly choked on razor sharp $20 bill in his soup. He did more research, without eating soup, and discovered the ritual to detect Karpma, acumulating 10 more points of favor. Over a few
months he discovered completely what Karpma was and is and named it Karpma, he braved all the effects of all levels of Karpma, exept Amber, he unfortunately fell victim to the limbless playschool people who circumvented him. But his sacrifice was invaluable, he had dicovered how to gain and measure the favor of Abaclabicus.
So says the Mighty So-Crates, and so it shall be.


So-Crates's Happy Reading Corner

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